Knees curled up,
And pillows under the left side of her body,
The idea of being free,
One, two, three different heartbeats.
Waiting to go back to a life on the run.
Earning a place,
Not pretending, nature in her course
Love and fear combined.
Familiar faces, not known to their mother.
Children waiting for a birthday.
Sharing one, two, three different heartbeats.
Numbers and dates, thirty-six and two,
Waiting always to count the moves.
I'll keep them still,
And I'll kiss you again.
Losing sleep over my biggest dreams,
Cords of hope and love,
Playing to her heartstrings.
She sees them when she closes her eyes,
And then she can't breathe.
notes to self
image taken from here.
I love this time of my life. I also admit that, so far, pregnancy is the hardest part of my life. (I thought the road to pregnancy was difficult). I'm sure labor will be harder, which is why I love and included the quote above.
Here are some images (mostly not pretty) of change occurring. It's proof of these two little miracles and the fact that I am growing and changing.
Hysterosalpingogram testing in 2011-ish (23 years old and very high on valium)
Varicocele surgery in 2012-ish (What a trooper!)
IVF injection sights. 2015
A post egg retrieval laparoscopic surgery to stop internal hemorrhaging. 2015
I had bruising all over my body at this point.
Additional incision made to insert a drain to remove fluid produced by my ovaries due to complications of hyperstimulation
June 5th Picture of Baby Boy and Baby Girl
One week pregnant and fabulous
Finding out that both embryos took around 7 weeks gestation
9 weeks gestation (beginning of morning sickness phase)
Empathy Belly because he loves me!
Spencer is 40 weeks and I am somewhere in the 20 weeks range
21 week Selfie of a dress that fit perfectly the week before this was taken. Oh well.
Expecting
Boys, girls, both?
Around 17 weeks I began feeling movements and kicks. All those little movements made it all very real. I am going to finally have kids. It's been a long wait, but they're finally here - well, just around the corner.
Spencer and I have been collecting and purchasing all sorts of baby items. From diapers to rocking chairs to block toys. It will be extra sweet when we know which clothes to keep in the dresser and/or if we will need to keep both boy and girl clothes. Only time will tell.
the story of 17 weeks
Lately, I've been pregnant. It's been a journey the entire way here. Nothing quite like what I expected it would be. Through all the bumps in the road this has been nothing short of an exciting adventure.
I love honesty; however, I'm also in love with boundaries. Forgive me for I'm still trying to find where to draw my line and what to share on the blog. I've decided to wait to break the news about being pregnant because it's been a roller coaster of symptoms, emotions, emergencies, and hormones that I wasn't expecting.
Today, I am into my 17th week, second trimester. Pregnant with twins. Both embryos took after the implantation.
Looking back I wish I would have documented more, yet then again, it has been really nice to keep things hidden from the world.
Now, I can't hide it any longer. I definitely appear pregnant, so this week I plan on making that news public to a fuller extent. Pun intended.
I won't know the genders for two more weeks. Always something to look forward to.
I love honesty; however, I'm also in love with boundaries. Forgive me for I'm still trying to find where to draw my line and what to share on the blog. I've decided to wait to break the news about being pregnant because it's been a roller coaster of symptoms, emotions, emergencies, and hormones that I wasn't expecting.
Today, I am into my 17th week, second trimester. Pregnant with twins. Both embryos took after the implantation.
Looking back I wish I would have documented more, yet then again, it has been really nice to keep things hidden from the world.
Now, I can't hide it any longer. I definitely appear pregnant, so this week I plan on making that news public to a fuller extent. Pun intended.
I won't know the genders for two more weeks. Always something to look forward to.
the in-between time (a.k.a 2ww)
I'm not sure what I even want to write about in this post. It is really difficult to explain what is going on inside my head when I can't even understand it myself.
Today makes one week down of the two week wait to find out the results of my embryo transfer that happened last Friday. I meant to post all about it, but truthfully there wasn't much to say about the transfer. I took the day off of work, went in around noon and then had to lay there for a half hour after the catheter guided by ultrasound was used to deliver two tiny embryos inside my uterus. I had to pee like a race horse after I got off the table. Then I went home and slept.
Mostly I feel the exact same. Nothing that really tells me it worked or it didn't. I have adverse effects from the progesterone in oil shots but nothing other than that. Everything is the usual around here.
It's difficult not to dwell on all the "what if's" in my head. Say, what if this worked or what if it didn't? Right, well now amplify that by every detail of your life that could be affected by this outcome and that is what I think about. To distract myself I've been spending time on Pinterest, listening to music or books, and watching Netflix just to try and drown out the conversations I have in my head.
I realized that I'm not dealing with grief of infertility. I have been reading about grief and coping skills and how to validate the stages of it... when I realized I wasn't grieving. I probably have never been grieving. I've been experiencing more of a quarter life crisis. Which I'd rather have one now and learn from it than experience on later and feel like I've lost so much of my life. The problem of struggling with a past I cannot change and dealing with a future that I am not able to control. It's a crisis that I need to navigate but I'm not needing to grieve anything.
If you are experiencing grief I have done a decent amount of internet research. Here are some helpful things that I have found regarding grief.
...Today makes one week down of the two week wait to find out the results of my embryo transfer that happened last Friday. I meant to post all about it, but truthfully there wasn't much to say about the transfer. I took the day off of work, went in around noon and then had to lay there for a half hour after the catheter guided by ultrasound was used to deliver two tiny embryos inside my uterus. I had to pee like a race horse after I got off the table. Then I went home and slept.
Mostly I feel the exact same. Nothing that really tells me it worked or it didn't. I have adverse effects from the progesterone in oil shots but nothing other than that. Everything is the usual around here.
It's difficult not to dwell on all the "what if's" in my head. Say, what if this worked or what if it didn't? Right, well now amplify that by every detail of your life that could be affected by this outcome and that is what I think about. To distract myself I've been spending time on Pinterest, listening to music or books, and watching Netflix just to try and drown out the conversations I have in my head.
I realized that I'm not dealing with grief of infertility. I have been reading about grief and coping skills and how to validate the stages of it... when I realized I wasn't grieving. I probably have never been grieving. I've been experiencing more of a quarter life crisis. Which I'd rather have one now and learn from it than experience on later and feel like I've lost so much of my life. The problem of struggling with a past I cannot change and dealing with a future that I am not able to control. It's a crisis that I need to navigate but I'm not needing to grieve anything.
If you are experiencing grief I have done a decent amount of internet research. Here are some helpful things that I have found regarding grief.
"Think of your grief as a wilderness—a vast, inhospitable forest. You must journey through this wilderness. To find your way out, you must become acquainted with its terrain and learn to follow the sometimes hard-to-find trail that leads to healing. In the wilderness of your grief, the touchstones are your trail markers. They are the signs that let you know you are on the right path. When you learn to identify and rely on the touchstones, you will find your way to hope and healing.
For those of you who were fans of the old Understanding Grief (which is no longer available), rest assured that the same content and more is covered in this wonderful new text. The companion journal now provides space for writing and reflection." found
Grief and its many facets:
...Grief and its many facets:
1. Open to the presence of your loss.
2. Dispel misconceptions about grief.
3. Embrace the uniqueness of your grief.
4. Explore what you might experience.
5. Recognize you are not crazy.
6. Understand the six needs of mourning.
7. Nurture yourself.
8. Reach out for help.
8. Reach out for help.
9. Seek reconciliation, not resolution.
10. Appreciate your transformation.
....
....
We truly need Him every hour, whether they be hours of sunshine or of rain. May His promise ever be our watchword: "I will not fail thee, nor forsake thee." found
...
...
Exploring in the dark is not easy. But our eyes begin to adjust. We start learning how to really see. found
Finding Lindsey
Walking to the sound of constant, steady breathing. Taking in all that is around me, my mind observing everything, as my body walks through the old trees, providing with their leaves the most dense green canopies, reaching tall overhead. Just outside of this forest there are fields of tall blowing grass. Surrounded by the beauty of nature, a whisper finds it’s way to my mind.
The tiniest voice deep from inside, just behind my heart, says, “Hello. I’m here, I am right here."
My head inquisitively chimes in. "Is it true? Is it really you?” And then all at once the certainty sinks in. "It is you. But where did you go."
"I’m here now."
“I’ve been waiting for you for so long. Why did you leave?" Questions my mind.
"Everything is ok. I’ve come home.” My soul says reassuringly. "I never meant to hurt you. All of this was everything I couldn’t be. I just couldn’t be with you through all of this pain." A soul doesn’t understand time or distance. A soul only knows when it is right to protect itself and when it is ready to be back with whom it belongs.
"Sometimes I wish we were strangers and I didn’t have to know your pain.” My mind says allusively.
I had been in the winter of my life and my soul could no longer reside inside the shell I'd become. If happiness is my summer, I had to wait through the seasons to find my way out. Waiting for salvation. Four years down the line from being in an endless winter and emotional stormy downpours. My soul couldn't bare the sorrow. All I had to survive on was the love of others to sustained me, my only real salvation and happy times were lived through the shared joy others could spare me.
For so long I had dreamed of becoming a beautiful woman, dreams of being a mother, but upon an unfortunate series of events saw those dreams become farther out of reach and divided like a million stars scatter into the dark night sky. All I could do was wish on them over and over again, sparkling and broken in the darkness.
“I hear you. You have been through great sadness. I am here with you again. I will be here when you are ready to be you again.”
It takes having everything you've ever wanted in front of you and then losing it all to know what a dream is truly. The inner indecisiveness that can be as wide and as wavering as the ocean will drown you. Finding where to go from here requires trusting myself; in my inner compass to lead me. Heart and mind; soul and body, working together again to sacrifice those last ounces of hope to achieve great dreams.
Though the sun was glimmering through the woods and illuminating the stillness around me there was a war in my mind. I breathe in, I feel the warmth of the breeze and think of summer coming around the corner. Going from someone who had nothing left, to remembering again the girl who had wanted everything, with a fire for every experience, passionately dreaming with an obsession that terrified me to the point that I couldn't even talk about it. Here I am at this point of madness that both dazzled and dizzied me. Suddenly finding myself smiling through all the pain, fear, loss, and anger. “Im happy that you found your way back to me."
“I am happy too." says my soul. "We are in this together. I finally believe in the person I want to become.”
Long time no talkie.
Well, it took my whole two readers (shout out to kimmie and mal) to point out that I haven’t been keeping up with the blog like I said I would. I have some catching up to do.
Recap, here goes.
I am in the middle of doing a FET (frozen embryo transfer). I started doing nightly injections of lupron 13 days ago. I finished a month of birth control eight days ago. I started a double dose of vivelle dot patches five days ago. HORMONES, am I right?
Feeling like my hormones finally leveled out the last few days of April I suddenly felt like the change in medications (yes, I’m blaming the meds) BAM! I sped up and simultaneously slowed down in all the wacky hormonal humanly possible ways.
There was this weird period and then it suddenly ended and now I’m trying to figure out if I want to cry over a gallon of ice-cream or if I want to go for a seven mile run and eat some kale. Still, I have no idea because it pretty much feels like one or the other every few hours leaving me perplexed about how I really feel.
Spencer and I moved. We now live a bit farther from school and he asked if he could have a bike. I approved and immediately he started looking into purchasing the perfect bike. He about died of joy. I had denied him all biking, hot tubbing, and crappy eating privileges because of our infertility. He was good about the first two.
Now that we’ve made nine frozen embryos, I said he could get a bike and ride until his hearts content. For, never again will I do a egg retrieval. NEVER. AGAIN.
Side bar: I understand why Reproductive Endocrinologist encourage doing IUI’s over IVF. I also realize IVF was right at this time in our lives because we had the insurance to assist and the test results to qualify us as 'ideal candidates’ whatever the hell you want to take that classification as. Ideal, psh, like IVF is something you want to be recognized for as ideal.
For mercy's sake, never again will I willingly volunteer my body to undergo the reaping process. Us women are saints, or goddesses or just flat out have the balls to go through some real crap, sacrificing ourselves the way we do, and men will never understand.
End of side bar.
In trying to make this positive. I only have 12 more lupron injections! We’ve made it to the more than halfway point with that one. Today, Spencer finished his last exam from classes. Now all that’s left to do is study for the COMSAE, USMLE, and COMLEX (aka, med-school boards)
Like I said, I’m not sure how I feel. It’s stressful because I am a control freak and I want to understand something totally before I begin the process. This has proven to be an epic fail and a big lesson in teaching me to let go and cut myself and others some slack.
I remind myself, I say Lindsey, if life gives you lemons and you don’t add sugar and water you will have some real shitty lemonade.
My biggest point here is to make light of life. Enjoy it, because you never know what is right around the corner… blind curves remember… Here I am, today at this big curve in my life.
Counting my blessings as of right now. A happy hubby that is excited to purchase a bike and my ability to make it through an entire day without having to be assisted to the restroom or have someone else put my socks on for me.
Baby steps, no matter how small, are still steps in the right direction.
Remember that it’s only temporary
Trails are temporary. Pain is temporary. April was temporary. I’m not saying all this to minimize anything that I have been through this last month or will go through or that others are going through. It’s an absolute, a fact that, life is temporary.
For some reason my blog lately has felt like a negative space. I’m not sure, is it just me feeling that I only share my concerns and burdens here? That’s not what I want. I can own up to that because maybe I’ve had the wrong definition for this space from the beginning.
On this last day of April I would like to dedicate this space as a positive part of my life. Not because I just realized that things could be worse, as everything could always be worse; no it's because, I need to find the joy in my life, as it is now. And isn’t that true for everyone. It’s hard to be positive all the time. We are human after all.
Recently, I was impressed to listen to a talk given by President Henry B. Eyring from a quote I found and it had a profound affect on my spirit. Before all this happened, I had been talking about the disappointments in myself with my therapist. She didn’t say anything I didn’t already know or fix the problem. Although, her words did enhance my thought process to answer the problems I was telling her I had. If that makes any sense.
What I am getting at is, I know how to not be depressed. It is easier to not have to do anything but that’s not going to cancel the depression. It only secures its existence. Depression leads to a life lived out of fear. Living out of fear, well, it isn’t living at all. In fact it is the worst form of living.
Life is meant to be lived joyfully and with love and gratitude. So, that is what I will try to begin to do. Gratitude for all that is good and all that is helping me become something better. Love for those around me and those that need it and those that love me. Joy in the experience and the blessing each day brings.
Regardless of what happens to me now that April has happened, I will continue to try and live by those three things. I am done with the mess that is depression. I can guarantee that I will have sad days but I will try my best to remind my heart, mind and soul that whatever it is making me sad is only temporary.
Note, depression is real. Today however, I will begin to fight, fight like hell, to get through it. It’s a hard-won undertaking that is time consuming. Lucky me that time is what I have been given and a voice even though I won’t be perfect, I can keep trying with each day and it will be ok.
"[He] helped you understand and accept that you would have trials, tests, and opportunities perfectly chosen just for you. You learned that our Father had a plan of happiness to get you safely through those trials and that you would help bring others safely through theirs.” - President Henry B. Eyring
I have infertility. I have depression. I know I am not alone. I have so much good in life and many blessings and talents and good qualities and characteristics to share. I am blessed to have people in my life that share their what they have and their love with me. I am a strong woman even though I have these trails here on Earth. I am will be better human for it.
A weekend to move
The forecast shows rain for the next three days. Naturally we plan our move for this weekend. We have (Spencer did it all) moved little junk boxes and closet totes and pantry supplies to the new place.
I still can’t picture myself in our new place. I thought that we would only have one place in Iowa and now we are transitioning to a larger space that we can’t fill.
The second bedroom is a reminder of the empty place that lurks inside of me. The plans for the second bedroom didn’t work out and now it is a physical reminder of the emotional wound that hasn’t healed.
I’m not sure that I will do anything with the room. It will stay closed until I am ready to figure out what to do with it. I’m just going to play nice with myself and try to take one step at a time.
I know we are close to having a family. I just can’t see it right now. I’m not sure what that will look like in our future.
Everything feels out of my control and maybe that is a good thing. I’m just not sure why or for what reason I need to let go right now and just accept what we’ve got.
An empty 2nd bedroom and lots of expected rain.