Walking to the sound of constant, steady breathing. Taking in all that is around me, my mind observing everything, as my body walks through the old trees, providing with their leaves the most dense green canopies, reaching tall overhead. Just outside of this forest there are fields of tall blowing grass. Surrounded by the beauty of nature, a whisper finds it’s way to my mind.
The tiniest voice deep from inside, just behind my heart, says, “Hello. I’m here, I am right here."
My head inquisitively chimes in. "Is it true? Is it really you?” And then all at once the certainty sinks in. "It is you. But where did you go."
"I’m here now."
“I’ve been waiting for you for so long. Why did you leave?" Questions my mind.
"Everything is ok. I’ve come home.” My soul says reassuringly. "I never meant to hurt you. All of this was everything I couldn’t be. I just couldn’t be with you through all of this pain." A soul doesn’t understand time or distance. A soul only knows when it is right to protect itself and when it is ready to be back with whom it belongs.
"Sometimes I wish we were strangers and I didn’t have to know your pain.” My mind says allusively.
I had been in the winter of my life and my soul could no longer reside inside the shell I'd become. If happiness is my summer, I had to wait through the seasons to find my way out. Waiting for salvation. Four years down the line from being in an endless winter and emotional stormy downpours. My soul couldn't bare the sorrow. All I had to survive on was the love of others to sustained me, my only real salvation and happy times were lived through the shared joy others could spare me.
For so long I had dreamed of becoming a beautiful woman, dreams of being a mother, but upon an unfortunate series of events saw those dreams become farther out of reach and divided like a million stars scatter into the dark night sky. All I could do was wish on them over and over again, sparkling and broken in the darkness.
“I hear you. You have been through great sadness. I am here with you again. I will be here when you are ready to be you again.”
It takes having everything you've ever wanted in front of you and then losing it all to know what a dream is truly. The inner indecisiveness that can be as wide and as wavering as the ocean will drown you. Finding where to go from here requires trusting myself; in my inner compass to lead me. Heart and mind; soul and body, working together again to sacrifice those last ounces of hope to achieve great dreams.
Though the sun was glimmering through the woods and illuminating the stillness around me there was a war in my mind. I breathe in, I feel the warmth of the breeze and think of summer coming around the corner. Going from someone who had nothing left, to remembering again the girl who had wanted everything, with a fire for every experience, passionately dreaming with an obsession that terrified me to the point that I couldn't even talk about it. Here I am at this point of madness that both dazzled and dizzied me. Suddenly finding myself smiling through all the pain, fear, loss, and anger. “Im happy that you found your way back to me."
“I am happy too." says my soul. "We are in this together. I finally believe in the person I want to become.”
