I'm not sure what I even want to write about in this post. It is really difficult to explain what is going on inside my head when I can't even understand it myself.
Today makes one week down of the two week wait to find out the results of my embryo transfer that happened last Friday. I meant to post all about it, but truthfully there wasn't much to say about the transfer. I took the day off of work, went in around noon and then had to lay there for a half hour after the catheter guided by ultrasound was used to deliver two tiny embryos inside my uterus. I had to pee like a race horse after I got off the table. Then I went home and slept.
Mostly I feel the exact same. Nothing that really tells me it worked or it didn't. I have adverse effects from the progesterone in oil shots but nothing other than that. Everything is the usual around here.
It's difficult not to dwell on all the "what if's" in my head. Say, what if this worked or what if it didn't? Right, well now amplify that by every detail of your life that could be affected by this outcome and that is what I think about. To distract myself I've been spending time on Pinterest, listening to music or books, and watching Netflix just to try and drown out the conversations I have in my head.
I realized that I'm not dealing with grief of infertility. I have been reading about grief and coping skills and how to validate the stages of it... when I realized I wasn't grieving. I probably have never been grieving. I've been experiencing more of a quarter life crisis. Which I'd rather have one now and learn from it than experience on later and feel like I've lost so much of my life. The problem of struggling with a past I cannot change and dealing with a future that I am not able to control. It's a crisis that I need to navigate but I'm not needing to grieve anything.
If you are experiencing grief I have done a decent amount of internet research. Here are some helpful things that I have found regarding grief.
...Today makes one week down of the two week wait to find out the results of my embryo transfer that happened last Friday. I meant to post all about it, but truthfully there wasn't much to say about the transfer. I took the day off of work, went in around noon and then had to lay there for a half hour after the catheter guided by ultrasound was used to deliver two tiny embryos inside my uterus. I had to pee like a race horse after I got off the table. Then I went home and slept.
Mostly I feel the exact same. Nothing that really tells me it worked or it didn't. I have adverse effects from the progesterone in oil shots but nothing other than that. Everything is the usual around here.
It's difficult not to dwell on all the "what if's" in my head. Say, what if this worked or what if it didn't? Right, well now amplify that by every detail of your life that could be affected by this outcome and that is what I think about. To distract myself I've been spending time on Pinterest, listening to music or books, and watching Netflix just to try and drown out the conversations I have in my head.
I realized that I'm not dealing with grief of infertility. I have been reading about grief and coping skills and how to validate the stages of it... when I realized I wasn't grieving. I probably have never been grieving. I've been experiencing more of a quarter life crisis. Which I'd rather have one now and learn from it than experience on later and feel like I've lost so much of my life. The problem of struggling with a past I cannot change and dealing with a future that I am not able to control. It's a crisis that I need to navigate but I'm not needing to grieve anything.
If you are experiencing grief I have done a decent amount of internet research. Here are some helpful things that I have found regarding grief.
"Think of your grief as a wilderness—a vast, inhospitable forest. You must journey through this wilderness. To find your way out, you must become acquainted with its terrain and learn to follow the sometimes hard-to-find trail that leads to healing. In the wilderness of your grief, the touchstones are your trail markers. They are the signs that let you know you are on the right path. When you learn to identify and rely on the touchstones, you will find your way to hope and healing.
For those of you who were fans of the old Understanding Grief (which is no longer available), rest assured that the same content and more is covered in this wonderful new text. The companion journal now provides space for writing and reflection." found
Grief and its many facets:
...Grief and its many facets:
1. Open to the presence of your loss.
2. Dispel misconceptions about grief.
3. Embrace the uniqueness of your grief.
4. Explore what you might experience.
5. Recognize you are not crazy.
6. Understand the six needs of mourning.
7. Nurture yourself.
8. Reach out for help.
8. Reach out for help.
9. Seek reconciliation, not resolution.
10. Appreciate your transformation.
....
....
We truly need Him every hour, whether they be hours of sunshine or of rain. May His promise ever be our watchword: "I will not fail thee, nor forsake thee." found
...
...
Exploring in the dark is not easy. But our eyes begin to adjust. We start learning how to really see. found
