Dear April, you lady are a beast. I want to bring to your attention just exactly what you have thrown at me, not for pity among other things, but to prove the tough shit I am made-up of.
In the beginning you brought my strong body to it’s knees and showed me my own weakest self. After such a strong physical beating that seemed to never end, I can say you truly shook my core, literally and figuratively.
Lots of stimulation, lots of hormones, lots of pain, lots of blood, lots of tears and three incisions later, I got back up. Not right away, but with help of others who love me, I got back up. I am still navigating my way back to normal and that has taken strength, humility and grace.
Later, you showed me weakness in my emotional and mental health. My spirit broke. The fear of what happened to me, what each new day would bring, and the non-stop questions of what path do I take next, all of these thoughts consumed me. I paused, because hell, I could not move in any direction. Feeling the pressure of everything was my breaking point and there are still days that this emotional weight burdens me and overwhelms my soul.
Acknowledging the fear and letting others, who love and care for me, see the hurt has benefitted me in countless ways. It has shown that I am human and flawed. It also shows that I have strong bonds to others. Do I deserve these people who love me? I am not sure, but I do not want to know what kind of world I would be in if I didn’t have so many to care for me.
Near the end you took my car, my time, my money and the little energy I had left to cope with the rolling punches. More tears came because my autonomy was quickly falling away with each new disaster. People on the outside looking in kept telling me, “when it rains it pours.” No shit Sherlock… thank you for telling me what I already know.
The conclusion that Spencer and I have come up with is that sometimes everything is wrong and we feel like we've had too much. All we can do is just hang onto each other. Find comfort in the kindness of others. Take one day at a time hour by hour, because sometimes that is the only thing you can do to survive.
This has provided me with happiness at the end of each day because I have so much more than what was taken from me. Yes, I have trials and I deal with them the only way I know how. Failure is a big part of my life. Guess what, I learn with each new day and I find out more and more what I am made of. I am flawed but have grace. I am weak but find personal strength as others help me on my way. I have hurt but I still laugh until I can’t stand the pain of laughing. I am a strong woman. I have a strong husband. We have big dreams that we work our tails off to get to.
We will not give up. April you have one week left. Do your worst.
