Is this really me? Is this us?
Misdirected and over scheduled. It’s been full of dealing with one moment at a time and not thinking about the past or the future. Today, is about making it through today. Just one step at a time.
Lately, I feel I barely know my body. It aches and hurts in all the hollow corners deep within me. I wish I wasn’t forcing it to do something that it should naturally be doing. My body is protesting with such enthusiasm that I’m not sure I have energy for anything else.
I’ve always had this metaphysical sensitivity. I was born with it. It has served me well in life, and yet it also diminishes me. I find myself at the bottom of the barrel today. At my most vulnerable times is when I see a glimpse of forever. The one thing I use as a reminder to serve as my north star.
He says,
Do you want to be happy?
Let go of what’s gone,
be grateful for what remains
and look forward to what is coming.
I’m letting go of yesterday. Letting go of last week, and last month and the last four years of infertility. If only for a brief moment. Release myself. Breathe in and breathe out. I let go.
I am happy with all that I have. Happy with love. A love so strong that we are looking forward to what is coming, together. Even as we spend the days apart. The little moments of being together and happy. It cancels out all the pain and over sensitivity. We laugh. The kind of laughter that transports us to another time all together.
Time that doesn’t measure in seconds, minutes or hours. These are measured in the length of a smile, or sharing a glance that says everything that is born on our breathe but has died on our lips. Of a silly memories and of all the shared inside jokes. And that is the stuff that keeps me solid. This is what I hold onto.
Together, we look forward to what is coming. Not looking to a new us as in people. No, no we are not looking to have a future event define us. Rather we look to the measure of more moments. Not perfect lives, moments, or the idealistic definitions society demands.
Today, in the pain and in the heart wrecking work to replenish my strength or to pull myself out of the empty barrel, I realize their is nothing better than what we have together. Each one of us smiling at the other, laughing, crying, fighting, all of it. We have this together and that is what love is. Forever.
