This is day one.
It rained this morning. The freezing kind of rain. I cried the whole way to work. Also, I stepped in cat vomit, both feet, with my socks on. It was gross but I hope it means I will have good fortune coming my way.
I have nice co-workers and as usual they’ve succeeded to brighten my melancholy demeanor. Which is cool when everything else about work blows. Nothing about my job is distracting me from everything that is defining this chapter of my life.
I’m rather upset that this is the case. Isn’t that the point of work? To be nothing more but a detraction from the real issues in life. Yet, it proves to just create more avenues to exhaust my thoughts about my life. Just publicly rather then privately on my couch.
All the hormones that my body is filtering through my blood and the pains of being a seemingly fertile woman dealing with infertility is something that my inner self likes to dwell on.
So much inner turmoil that I feel myself struggling with everything that is coming my way as of late. Small irritations can solicit dramatically powerful reactions. Watch out. Baby hungry is the worst kind of hangry…I’m bahangry.
The process during these beginning days are slow. Each piece of information comes with a slew of emotions that range from sadness to excitement to shock to anger to peace to fear, etc.
Today, I feel anxiety over getting to the next step and then the next and the next. My mind likes to plan and my heart is tired of waiting. What I have wanted for many years is finally here. But still so far away.
Being that today is cycle day one, I am placing an inquiry for a miracle which is required for what I am taking on in the next few weeks. IVF miracles.
Tonight I will pray. Pray until I can’t do anything else but to stand up again and make it through another day. Right now I’m not sure how I will get through each day other than taking them as they come.
Thinking about, talking about, and worrying about something is not the same as praying about it. So, that is what I plan to do. I will report back tomorrow. One day closer to the family my heart craves.
