Well, here I am at twenty-six and three quarters and I can tell you that little of those daydreams actually came true. Unexpected events happened that were beyond my imagination at the age of sixteen, for good and for bad.
The good was extremely good. I traveled lands that I never dreamed about visiting. I have vibrant memories of being lost in a new cultures and loving the unknown. Observation is one of my favorite past times and at such easy application while traveling abroad.
I discovered a passion for education while attending the college. It didn't stop there either, I was fortunate to share the same passion of learning with some amazing people that I would still call friends. Surrounding myself with these unique individuals, of whom all believed in something bigger and valued every second of it was a truly enchanting experience.
I learned to trust what I knew of love. Or I should say, I continue to learn how to love and trust someone to love me. I found my husband early and was smart enough to never let go of him. Knowing when to trust my heart has been the single most important aspect of my existence.
The bad was likewise, extreme. I placed all hope into opportunity after opportunity to only find rejection. One of my biggest demons is rejection. Rejection brought on grief which drove me beyond depressed. I lost all hope and stopped believing my life could be happy again.
One concept of life I focus too much on is death. Not death itself, but the leading up to it. The wonder of when it will happen and, if it does, will I be ready to face it. This relates entirely to my writing style. I always have the beginning written and then I don't know where the middle will take me. But the end, is just that - an end. I always think about all the endings and I never enjoy the process or journey, if you will.
Then I think, how meaningful is an ending if there is no middle or body of work to support it. I think that I need to focus more on meaningful living and less on assigning titles to life chapters that may never happen. Although, right now my life chapter is IVF or adoption or both - Just get me a freakin' family already!
The pain that comes today
to you
then goes away
and we are homeward bound
and I, I want this more than life
I want this more than life.
To touch something real will help your wounds heal
The sun on your face and dreams of starry nights.
- More Than Life: Whitley
- More Than Life: Whitley
