Confidence born from darkness in a rambling essay

*this post was written over the course months and possibly years.

I need to stop staring at my computer and write. 

Telling a story has been desirable to me in many ways and through many events that have impacted my life.  Getting the words from my head to this screen, well, I'll be honest enough to call it what it is, a train-wreck of wordless thoughts.

Not finding words to describe what I want to say, not knowing what to say, word smithing, reading and rereading my ideas.  Pounding down on the delete button over and over again.  It's agony to have such beautiful stories born on my breath but die on my fingertips.

The unsurmountable torment this brings me.  My attempts grow ever more feeble.  Anger and anxiety fill me.  Leaving me crippled and unable to feel anything but complete submission to demon known as fear.  Fear of loss and rejection the beasts of my life.

Then in a rare moment when the demon beasts inside of me are silent, a glimmer of inspiration will float in and gently distill upon my mind with graceful resolve to begin again.  I've decided it all comes down to my attitude about my time.  Now that I have defined the problem, resolving it is another beast entirely.

I always allow the inner beast to control my direction with very little awareness of my personal angst. I am a huge people pleaser expect when it comes to myself.  I should never serve myself, or so the beast leads me to believe.  I allow others to take my time away from me and I loose sight of the grace I was given, the demon wakes and controls again.  It seems to tell me that I'm never going to stack up, my time is worth nothing, I am useless, I am hopeless.  I allow it to take my words and fill me up with these empty and destructive opinions.

I recognize these depleting tricks that have become reality.  And yet, I am a creature of habit. I feel more comfortable in the company of the demons I know.  I need to accept that I am the only person that can change and restore myself.  I need to take back my time from the beasts controlling me in their fury of reigning fear. This is my life.  And, this is my story.

(Even at that, I read it and think, I am selfish to a memorizing fault. I know this inherent trait I bare.  Like a stubborn child I've often been caught in a unsociable or aggravated mood.  It slowly occurred to me that I am flat out ignorant about the world happening all around me.) 

Often I've experienced times that required fighting to get myself out of the darkness, yet to find another challenge.  Aggressively resisting those trying to help me.  I avoided seeking help for fear of being thrown into a societal labeled box full of "loonies" with no control over my autonomy.

Desperate to enrich my life and the lives of others around me, I have decided to become open and absorb the challenges life presents and then release them here. Not alone in the human condition, I believe that this may touch others and I would hope to witness a positive reaction rather than the alternative.

After many years of inward struggles, I decided to walk away quietly and make every effort to live authentically and true to my dreams.  Dreams of becoming a mother and establishing the desires that make life worth living.  I want nothing more than that life.  I will settle for nothing less than that life.

My awareness of self came slowly, over many years. Due to the responses of resisting treatment, because getting better would mean a return to a life, that by my demons definition is, unbearable.  In a conservative setting the pressure is immense and my capabilities are matched only by my fragility. It's possible the pressure is what caused my retreat and allowed for the demon beast to enter.  Pressures I created due to my competitive nature and understanding of the role I hold in society.

After a long pause of resisting, the realization became clear as I've read what others have gone through and then began to write about my own experiences.  Also to hope that it helps relate to others that identify and similarly understand.  Finally, this is for those who do not comprehend but are encouraged by my story.  My mission is to write for the story that I want to live rather than allowing the demon beast regime to continue.